drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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