The maid of honor just puked.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
