I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
