If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
