Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
