areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
