I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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