I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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