dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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