i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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