I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
