Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We left the knife in your bed.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
