I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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