i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
