Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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