I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
