I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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