You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The best revenge is premature balding
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
