Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
