I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
