dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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