Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
