I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
