If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
