He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
