Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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