i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
