I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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