I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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