I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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