did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
