just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
