We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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