halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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