evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
