He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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