Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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