I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
