Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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