Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My dick has a subreddit
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
