Already got asked if we're dating
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
