Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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