dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
