Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
40s are totally the cure
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
