I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
