Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
