I am spending my child support on dildos
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
