im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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