put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
