God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
